I was different from other teens.

Part One:

A Teenage Life without any friends

of the human kind

 

 

My adolescent years were finally behind me. I was now a teenager; and even though they were painful years that were filled with traumas and crisis, I did not feel traumatized by all the awful things that were done to me, or to other members of my family. I was a teenager who did not have a father around most of my life as an adolescent child; and although I even ended up living with my father and his new wife for a few years during my teens, I learned to dislike my father even more than I did as a little girl.

 

I lived with my mother, my sister, and my younger brother, Garrick, for most of my teens, but I rarely saw each of them on a regular basis. My sister was busy with school, my brother was tied up with doing his own thing; and my mother spent most of her time after she came home from work by herself, just trying to cope with the impact of the horrible things that had been done to her by people in and outside of her family.

 

Now, more than ever before in my brief life, I found myself alone most of the time; and since I was also someone who enjoyed being by myself, I became a teenager who ended up spending most of my teens alone. After the years of abuses I had endured as a child, at the hands of families, strangers, teachers, students, and others I did not even know, I should have being a teenager with a lot of emotional problems about issues such as betrayal, trust, rejection, and abandonment in all areas of my life.

 

It is fair to say that I could have easily become a teenager with some serious self-esteem issues. I could have become someone who would have been expected to be very uncomfortable and uncertain of herself around other teens, or other adults. For most of my life, I spent very little time around either of these two groups of people.

 

 But I was very different from other teenagers, in ways that were positive, strengthening, enlightening, and uplifting. I was a teenage God, and the painful and wounding events that I was subjected to as an adolescent had affected me, but they did not injure my life as a teen. Unlike other children who went through traumas in their childhood, I entered the world of a teenager without any of those emotional baggages, or mental scars. The abuses that I had been put through, took me to different levels of endurance.

 

 I learned to endure a lot, but I did not put up with those abuses, because I saw that there were others who were suffering the same plight. Maybe not in the same way – because I have been literally persecuted to death. As an adult, however, I have died literally, quite a few times, from years of being persecuted and abused. Yet as a teenager, even though I was put through many traumas since I was an infant, I did not feel traumatized by the awful experiences I had encountered in my young life.

 

 I knew it had to do with the fact that I was a highly developed being, who had a different perspective about the value and meaning of the experiences that I endured as a mortal being. In each stage of life, I felt like a new person who had just being given birth to.

 

  All of the experiences that I had undergone in my adolescent years, I left behind me after I studied each of them in details. In this way I understood what had happened to me, why it had happened to me, and how it happened. Then I looked at the people who had caused me to go through those traumas, and even at whether or not I had helped to cause those traumas to enter my life.

 

After I understood all the mechanics, and the impact of those personal crises on my life, I then took an inventory of the steps that I would take in the future, to avoid being put through similar abuses again. Once I had completed my inventory of the study of that phase of my life,   I did not need to go back into that part of my life, nor did I have any desire to do so. I did a full inventory of every phase of my life, as I went through them – as an infant, as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and as a mature adult.

 

As a teenager, then, I never revisited my earlier years, or felt the need to do so, because my experiences in those years were clear to me, even the awful and painful ones.   I thought that other people also took inventories of all their own life experiences, as they went along, so that they could understand the content and impact of all the events in each stage of their lives. In this way, they could then move forward with a true understanding of who they were at that point, and how they came to be the kind of person that they are to this point.

 

 It was only when I became an adult, that I discovered that people did not take inventory of their lives, nor did they look closely at what was done to them, or what they did to others – that caused them to feel pain, suffering, mistrust, resentment, anger, jealousy, hatred, and other forms of degrading and harmful feelings and thoughts in their lives, and towards other people.  I also discovered that people did not take the time to look inside the private, and personal, world of their own lives, so that they could find out about the kind of person that they are.

 

Nor did they try to find out about their true feelings about themselves, and others around them, or discover any of the connections they may have to others in their world; or even try to find out about where the beliefs, values, and views that they hold and practice, came from. In fact, to my disappointment I found that the authorities in their lives, also discouraged them from taking the time,   or from making the effort, to look inside their own private world, so that they can get to know how they really think, or what they truly feel about themselves; or even about the world in which they lived.

 

From their parents, to their doctor, to their priest, to their teachers, to their scientists, these figures of authority literally block them from even wanting, or trying to get to know who they truly are.   As a result of this practice of being prevented and discouraged from getting to know oneself, I saw even as a teenager, that the people in the human world I was living in, were being taught, were being schooled, were being programmed by the authorities in different areas to become living pawns and human robots of the systems in which they lived, worked, played, and prayed.

 

 By forcing mortal beings to become focused and concerned, only with the realities of the physical world in which they each live, it takes them away from their true spiritual purposes for living mortal lives in the first place. It keeps each of them occupied and preoccupied with issues of just surviving as mortal beings, of just getting a job to make a living, in order to raise a family, and become taxpaying, productive, and valued members of Society.

 

 It became clear to me even as a teenager that the motive behind such systematic programming, was to keep people from connecting with their higher and ancient self. This practice, and policy, of separating mortal beings from their higher and supernatural self, is one that is used in every civilization, and in every realm of existence,   by people in authority who are seeking to gain control over the minds and the hearts of those beings living there. Once you are able to divide anyone against themself, especially if you can gain control over their ego, it is only a matter of time before you are able to put them in a system of thinking and behaviour that supports, defends, and reflects those of the people in power.

 

 I was just a teenager, but I was also a young Avatar who took the time to get to truly know myself, and all aspects of my life that shaped and formed my identity as a mortal being to that point. So I became a teen who had a different sense of who I was, what I was about, where I was going, and how I was going to get there. In fact I had a feeling of being a brand new person, a feeling of experiencing a new birth.

 

Actually, each stage of my life as a mortal being, from adolescence to adulthood, I experienced a feeling of “being born again”, of entering that stage with a new, fresh, sense of being someone who was just beginning my life for the first time, in that new phase. Because I did my inventory of my entire life to that point, I did not have any feelings of things being left unfinished, of things being left unclosed, of having any skeletons in my life, of demons haunting my mind.

 

 There was no question that I was deeply wounded mentally, and badly scarred emotionally, from what was done to me. But since I understood what had happened to me, and why, I accepted and owned those experiences as a part of the painful lessons that I needed to learn. I learned firsthand what it meant to be a human being, who was deprived of her family, then thrown into poverty, abused by strangers, attacked by educators, ignored by almost everyone, and treated as a social outcast by most people who came in contact with me as a child.

 

 Once I studied the events of my life as an adolescent child, and understood the scope and depth of all the experiences I had, I just put them aside and walked away from them; and took only the lessons that I gained from my life experiences with me. It was only when I encountered similar abuses in the future that I reflected on that aspect of my painful past.

 

Life for me as a teenager was indeed unusual, and very different, from those of other teens whom I grew up with. I was a teenager who spent most of my teen years doing a lot of thinking about all aspects of what it meant to be a mortal being. I was a teenager who spent most of my time at home alone; and a teenager who spent a lot of those years walking great distances into different parts of the Island of Trinidad, with my Unseen Masters teaching me about the people, and the world of nature around me.

 

I was truly a free spirit, who fought against every attempt that people made to force me to become obedient, loyal, and dependant on the different systems of authority in place in Society.   I fought the school systems, the religious systems, the justice systems, the recreational systems, the job systems, the political systems, and the different levels of social pressures brought on each person by the peer groups in each system of control. And I did so as a teenager by myself without anyone even noticing – except for the watchful and wise eyes of my Unseen Masters.

 

Part Two:

The education of an Avatar by her unseen Masters

 

As I think about it, I really liked the kind of person that I was as a teenager. I was someone who was very quiet, and someone who listened very closely to what people around me were saying about anything that were of concern to them. I took mental notes of everything. Whenever I heard people around me, or near me, speak about any issue on any area of life, I would think about what they said, about the manner in which they said it, about what they really meant in what they were saying.

 

This practice of studying other people’s behaviour, and their words, guided me to understand where there thinking was at the time. I did that inventory intentionally, so that I would be able to understand their situations, and different situations, that were taking place that I did not know about at that time.  I also saw other people participating in different kinds of situations that disturbed me, because of the abusive and harmful nature of their words and actions; and I decided that I better understand exactly what was going on here, because I needed to know what was going on with these mortal beings.

 

It was crucial, that as a young Avatar, that I gained an understanding of what these mortal beings were really going through; and work to develop the most effective way to bring them the information that they needed, so that they can learn to live in peace and harmony – first with themselves, and then with others around them.

 

Even though I was no longer in school, and I had finally managed to pull myself out of that system before I entered my teens, I was a teenager who was doing graduate studies of a supernatural kind – and under the guidance of some of the elder Gods, my Unseen Masters. I was a young God who was in a highly advanced program of studies in the School Of Life – and my subject, and my specialty was life,  and everyone and everything living and dying in it. I spent most of my time thinking and studying the depth, and scope, of every issue that affected me.

 

 I spent a lot of time thinking about people, about their behaviour, about their words, whether it was harmful or helpful. I thought carefully, about those people whom I liked, about those people who I thought were dangerous. I assessed all of them; and I kept away from the ones that I felt were a danger to me.

 

 As a teen, I felt that I stood alone, and that I never really had anyone standing on my behalf. I had brothers, but I did not really have brothers, because they were not around at that period in my life either. I had a sister, but she had distance herself from me – even though I felt that people cause that distance to come between us. For years I was crying out inside myself, for her to be my sister,  the way in which she was suppose to, and forget about other people and what they thought.

 

 My sister Christine was a nice person, but the problem was that what people were saying to her, or about her, was causing her to feel uncomfortable.   They made her feel as if she did not belong, as if she was not a part of my family. And I saw what was taking place, and it really hurt me because they robbed me of my sister;   and robbed her of the opportunity to be the kind of true sister that I knew she would have been to me – if others did not get between us and kept us apart. My sister was a really nice person, and so were my brothers, and I wished we had been given the opportunity to grow up together as other brothers and sisters were able to do in Trinidad.

 

As a teenager, I spent most of those years alone. But I did not feel lonely, as people often do, especially at that impressionable age in my life.   As I stated in details in the first half of this book, in speaking about my adolescent years, I was someone who had taken the time to get to know the person that I was. I was a child who was tutored on a full-time basis every day of my life by Gods, who were my "Unseen Masters"; and they schooled me in every area of my life, so that I was able to develop the awareness of an old sage as a little girl.

 

 Though I came into human life with the awareness that I was a highly developed being, who had come to Earth to bring all beings together, my supernatural teachers mentored me, and helped me to get to a level of awareness, and understanding, of who I was, and how my experiences had helped to shape my identity as a young Avatar.

 

 The depth to which I knew myself, even as a teenager, was one which a human being would sometimes come to realize only as an old soul, and in the twilight of their life after living many mortal lifetimes; and under the guidance of a master, in some remote and quiet place where they are living as a hermit, a disciple, an apprentice of that master. But I was an Avatar, and I was expected by my supernatural teachers to develop that kind, and quality, of awareness of knowing myself; and I also expected that from myself.

 

 So even though I spent most of my teenage years alone, I was someone who chose to be by myself, and someone who used her time to study and understand everything and everyone around me. I spent most of my time just thinking about issues, about people, about life, about each experience that I had or witnessed that day, while I was at home. I also spent most of my time walking, and going for walks.

 

 I did not go for walks around the blocks, as children, and adults often do today. Nor did I go for walks to get from one district to another, as people often did when I was growing up, because they either did not have the money to pay for a ride, or because they had the time to walk. I was a teenager who walked great distances by myself, at least three or four times a week; and I would leave home shortly after my mother went to work, and return home before she did.

 

During my walks I also spent a lot of time doing my favorite hobby as a teenager – thinking and study people and life around me as I walked. While I walked I studied the people I saw along the way, and the environment around me.  My walks took me into many different trails, and gave me a wealth of experience, and observations, for me to study on each of my journey. I would walked for miles and miles, and stopped at different places along the way to observe people, to observe different activities that they were involved in, as they went about their business of living.

 

I saw people at work, at play, in their homes, in their yards, moving about, standing still, and going on with their lives. I thought about how much, or how little they were aware of their identities as supernatural beings, who were living as human beings, so that they can develop their spiritual and true self, and become the higher beings that they came to Earth to learn to do. As I observed them, I wondered if they were aware of how truly wealthy, truly sacred, and truly special they each were as children of Gods.

 

During my walks I traveled through places where I would not be in danger; and if anyone asked me why I was not in school, I would tell them that I had the day off because I was going to see the doctor. I usually traveled through side streets, and back streets, so that I would avoid coming in contact with people.   But I also avoided walking through areas that looked too deserted and too dismal, areas where I had to wonder if I would be in danger or not. There were moments, and occasions, when I sense like I was in danger in some streets that I went through that I felt were really too dismal.

 

 Whenever I found myself in such a situation, I would quickly find an exit somewhere else to another street, and which led to a busier street, but only streets with places where people did not know me. I really enjoyed the experiences of walking around different parts of the beautiful Island of Trinidad; and I enjoyed looking, and sometimes even talking to different people along the way. I especially enjoyed walking along, and through wooded, and forested areas of the Island, and there were many such places in Trinidad at that time.

 

 In fact, most of the times I went walking, I traveled mostly through forested areas where they were waterfalls, and where the children of Mother Nature went about living their lives. If I saw a park on my travels, I would enter it and look around, and observe everything that was going on around me. No one in my family, or even people who knew me, were aware of my regular habit of going for long walks.  I did not go on these journeys every day, as I mentioned before, but even my mother was not aware, to my knowledge, of my doing this.

 

My mother did not know what to do with me, when I became a teenager.  She had given up on trying to force me to stay in school; and she could not deal with me, and my problems, because she had her own problems with other people and their disrespectful and abusive behavior towards her. She just left me to find my own way through the world as a teenager; and she was never worried about me not being able to look after myself, or about me not being able to look out for myself

.